Paul Whitaker's blog

I feel like some of the best conversation comes from just blabbering on with a good friend who doesn't mind when thoughts aren't fully formed and you're not telling a cohesive story. These are the conversations that are most raw and to the core of who we are and what we're thinking. I shared a conversation like this with my buddy John as we walked home from Cleveland Park just now.

Wendy kept coming up in conversation, probably because her coming into my life is the absolute best thing to ever happen to me, and I like to talk about us a lot. My analytical mind goes off on tangents trying to explain how we've gotten where we are, and justifying how quickly things have progressed for us. In the end, I feel pretty strongly that our faith and confidence in our relationship is something that "we just know." We're still growing together, but things are going insanely well and I can't imagine myself without Wendy. It's really great even to share ourselves with each other over 7000 miles away. So I'm chalking our relationship up as a success story. Hehe.

For a while I've wanted to relate to my single friends some truths about how to have things work out, since it was something I wondered about over the years. I'm not any kind of love guru or anything, but I have a few experiences that might be repeatable. I wish there was some kind of formula or guidelines that can help everyone who wants to, to find their Wendy. Maybe that's cheesy or hokey, but I wish everyone could share in this energy.

Relating that you'll just feel something different when "it's right" may not be terribly helpful advice for someone seeking love, so here's something a bit more substantial. Granted, these are mostly general truths about life that have many volumes dedicated to them, but this one is mine . I do want to pay some tribute to Beyond Your Best, an experiential leadership program I was part of in Indianapolis last year. That program helped me learn to love identifying and applying ideas like these to my life.

Know and love yourself first. You've heard this one before. Part of the reason I feel that nobody's really questioned how fast Wendy and I have moved (sometimes I expect it; we've progressed quickly!) is that we're both mature and adaptable, and we know that we're worthy of love and awesomeness. And not just that we're old enough and have had a variety of experiences. We've had experiences and loves and losses that have helped us shape what we know what want in a partner, and these mesh pretty much exactly with each other. We also have considered carefully which of the basic tenets of being with someone are most important (complete openness, mutual and intense attraction, overlapping interests, to name a few of what I'd say we share).

Be open to the path being different than you think. Wendy and I were friends for almost a year before we grew into something more. Once the moment was right for both of us, the energy shifted in an amazing way and one of my best friends became my greatest friend, most loving partner, and the most joyful and interesting match I could hope for. Part of why this happened is because we were both receptive to it, even though it may have looked differently than we both anticipated.

Put it all on the line. Don't be afraid of who you are, what you've done, or what you're thinking. I think great relationships are ones where you're accepted for who you are, even when it's difficult.

Anyhow, I hope it's possible to look past my gushing about the love of my life and get some value out of my blabbering. In the end, I know Wendy and I aren't uniquely equipped for being in love. Anyone can create this for themselves. And they'll just know, too.

The rationalist in me says to take it easy because we’ve not been together that long, and that the completely amazing conversation and ability to relate to one another transparently and completely might not last, and that her gorgeous smile, cute freckles, amazing eyes and sexy body are just. er, wait. that’s not the rationalist…!

Rationalist, schmationalist. I’m in love.

Every single cheesy love song applies, and has suddenly become more interesting to hear. All euphemisms and movie quotes about love apply. All the good stuff that “they” say about true love is all there. Delilah would have 1000’s of songs to dedicate to our love.

Since we grew from being good friends, I think there’s less of a risk of feeling blinded by these feelings and ignoring innate differences that would make being together challenging or impossible. But what’s cool is that Wendy and I like to talk about things. Hard things. Money. Living arrangements. Careers. Kids. The future. The past.

We’re both really analytical and have a strong need to think things through, so I’ve even bought a book of questions about relationships that we’ve started to discuss. We even have expressed some differences of opinion, which I think is good right!? Though, I forget what those were…

Apparently my serotonin levels are pretty low because I’m pretty much only thinking about Wendy. I want to spend every waking moment until she returns from Rwanda talking to her, texting, emailing, and blogging about her. And when she gets back I want to make her a dance song playlist on the Zune, cook her dinner, brush teeth with her, hold hands, watch movies, go on fun dates, hold and kiss her, and hang out with her. And whatever else comes up. I don’t care. It just needs to be with her.

In addition to the totally awesome puppy love type stuff in my heart, there are some solid foundation type things that we share that I think may be rare, which just adds to the excitement.

We haven’t had much conflict but we’ve had a few challenges. Her being about 7,000 miles away right now and for much of this year is straining on our ability to relate, and the physical separation can be really tough. Reconciling a few past experiences was a difficult but powerful experience to share and to continue to occasionally deal with together.

Wendy’s an amazing friend. Even when she’s frustrated or upset at something (for instance, both of the times I’ve screwed up, hehe), I know what’s coming up. What comes up is a really caring, empathetic and respectful conversation. We both really care about each other and our relationship, and it comes through in how we relate.

For my part, I’ve been doing a lot of talking, which doesn’t fit my historical profile (I’m the guy who got referred to the counselor because I wasn’t talking much in elementary school). Even conflict. I don’t shy away from disagreeing or making my desires known with Wendy because I know how important (and sometimes interesting) it is for us to work things out. I feel so incredibly comfortable sharing with Wendy that I think that when we talk, there’s a direct line between my heart and my mouth, skipping my brain. And my heart has a lot to say.

So we nail the communication piece. We’re really attracted to each other, we have lots in common, have oodles of fun and we share well. What’s not to love? Nothing, I say!

It's 6:08AM and I just spent 30 minutes categorizing and tracking my finances on Mint.com and logged into WoW to knock out my 4% to level 73. This is a screenshot of what I had on my two monitors just now. Apparently I like pie graphs a lot. Haha.

The top graph is analysis of the healing I did on my priest in the instance dungeon I ran last night (Prayer of Mending on top in red and renew in green) and on the bottom, green is my Africa ticket which cost just about the same as my rent (in orange).

I've gone into great lengths on this blog to be transparent about my wavering decision to play World of Warcraft. It's interesting, provides some virtual accomplishments, is the ultimate escape from struggles of life, and is something I feel better-than-average at.

Today I took a day-long series of training classes presented by other Microsoft consultants in the DC area. They're passionate people, doing things they enjoy and extending their technology interests into their hobbies and sharing the outcome of those outside projects with others.

This got me thinking. One element to the life equation that I've learned to ignore, or maybe just hadn't thought of deeply enough just yet, is that I should probably focus most of my time on the things that I'm most passionate about. My family and friends probably deserve more of the slice than I give them, but that's a topic for another day.

In relation to my interests, playing video games isn't my #1 passion. They're fun, and WoW is a really good one. However, tinkering with software, creating widgets and making computers do things would definitely come out on top. I have a great opportunity with Hands on DC to create some powerful software to help a group that I feel is important, and I haven't done much to take advantage of it. Thankfully my coworker has stepped up and is pumping out a nice application that meets the group's needs, but still, where have I been?

I have been playing WoW. In the past 11 days (since my girlfriend left for a work trip to Africa), I transferred Bleurgh, my dwarf rogue, to the Fizzcrank server, leveled him from 61 to 66, upped his fishing skill from 287 to 345, leveled mining from 1-315, cooking to 358, and got caught up with the max (325) on lockpicking. I also made about 500 gold and completed several achievements in fishing, exploration, and quests. I learned some nice cooking recipes and created a Zapthrottle Mote Extractor with my engineering skill so that I can get motes from gas clouds in Outlands. The short-term goal is to burn through quests in Outlands so I can see the new zone, Northrend, to quest and do instance dungeons there. Ultimately, I'd like to be 80 and get back into running instances with a good group. I joined a guild with my buddy Josh from Indiana, and we've been having fun keeping tabs on each other and occasionally working on the same things.

I've been playing a lot even though some key people in my life don't like it. And they have reason not to. I become more focused on those tasks than my relationships, I lose time that could be spent more productively, and my health suffers.

Oddly, all those negatives would also be the case if more accurately allocated my time to my passions. As a coder, I'll be just as antisocial, I'll just have "something to show for it"...maybe.

There's an opportunity to see if I can be passionate about WoW, however wasteful that might seem. I'm considering writing more about my adventures and participating more in the community.

It's all kind of jumbled in my head, as it is every time I think about leaving. Maybe my passion lies in resisting the draw and temptation of the game, and writing about my struggles.

There has been a trend among a few friends to use social media to propagate generally negative thoughts and ideas. These are typically well-received and followed by a circle of virtual hugs.

There is therapeutic value in airing grievances to the world. I've been there. I've done it. Heck, maybe I'm doing it now. In fact, I'm a proponent of using whatever mental and social tools work for people. Expressing shame, paranoia, anger or irritation is a coping tool, and an important one.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." -Aristotle

When this becomes the status quo, I become annoyed. I don't casually accept when others lay down their power and become victims of circumstance. Negativity is lauded by negative people, and attracts like-minded others. It's exclusive.

I've taken steps to avoid the circle of commiseration, mostly because it's uninteresting to me, but I feel like I want to dig back in and call people on it. As a caring person, I feel it's my duty to encourage others to see that there is a choice to be empowered by decisions to move on and to look forward at possibility.

Is it my place? Positivity, religious choices and value systems can also be exclusive. My preaching the value of living an upbeat life filled with hope and promise for future success may be analogous to someone telling me that Jesus is the answer. Maybe they're right. I've seen others have some success with religion, but I've decided that it's not for me. So I can listen to the arguments, but they just go out the other ear.

Regardless, I find it impossible to believe that anyone has made a conscious choice to not be a positive force in his or her own life! To that end, I urge you to refute the practice of introducing negativity into each others' lives, and keep a keen eye out for ways to encourage each other in upbeat ways.

I've been sloppy with my money. I haven't paid much attention to my cash flow unless my accounts get low, and I don't do much to try to save money on purchases and eliminate unnecessary fees. I intend to pay attention this year.

Here is how I intend to become fiscally disciplined in 2009:

• I will negotiate lower interest rates on my credit cards by working with a debt counselor or relief agency. [Consolidated my credit cards on Jan 14th into a loan with a fixed interest rate. Making payments to eliminate debt in 48 months]
• I will reduce my car insurance payments by negotiating with Allstate or switching providers if they will not reduce my premium*. [completed 1/2/2009]
• I will set up a new ING savings account* [Completed 1/16/2009] and maintain a minimum balance of $2,500** so that I don't have to use credit cards for minor emergencies.
• I will establish a new monthly IRA investment of 3%*. [Rescinded. This doesn't make sense with my credit card debt.]
• I will continue to contribute to my 401(k) in order to maximize my employer's match.
• I will pay all of my bills on time in order to avoid late fees. [I screwed up already, but I learned my lesson. $179 for late rent is not ever going to happen again.]
• I will actively maintain a monthly budget and make spending decisions based on it.
• I will only withdraw cash from ATM machines when I have money in my USAA account (which refunds ATM fees).
• I will cut down food expenses by using one restaurant coupon per week and by limiting the number of expensive (>$30) meals to four each month.
• I will not buy new electronic hardware for personal use in 2009.

*by February 1st, 2009 **by April 1st, 2009

Getting to know someone new usually involves stripping off some layers of defense and taking risks with one another's feelings. In BYB I decided to shed all of my layers so completely that I was entirely vulnerable. But it was somewhat contrived. It was a "safe" place to do so.

I am learning how to integrate this idea into my life in ways that I think fit better with the reality that some things aren't necessary to discuss in order to be free with thoughts and feelings with someone.

Specifically, I have a new slightly-unlabelable relationship (with Allison in Indy) in which we've done a good job of communicating. Specifically, our DTR-to-date ratio is 2:1.

There have been a couple of instances in which I've bitten my tongue and not really delved into recent past relationships or other details of my current social life here in DC. I think I've been pretty clear about my apprehension, and I appreciate that she doesn't prod me for more details even though she might want to.

If you know me well, you know that integrity is my most important value. I'm not anywhere close to perfect in maintaining it, but I try really hard to fix it when I screw up. Of course, it'd be easier to not screw up in the first place.

So it tugs at me a little that I haven't told Allison everything. She knows the bulk of my personal "secrets" because I'm pretty free with them in normal conversation with people I'd like to develop relationships with. She appreciates me despite the closet skeletons that I've shared, and thinks some of my quirks are cute. So I know she wouldn't judge me.

Yet I've drawn a very specific line when it comes to other people and my relationships with them, when talking with Allison. I guess I'm trying to protect her feelings and respect others' privacy. And she recently asked me to suppress some of the things I might (or might not) do with other girls unless it comes to the point where I am serious about someone else. I can respect that.

But I'm still conflicted about it. My other relationships help define where I've come from and who I am. I'd like to share more to let us be a source of continuity for one another.

On the other hand, that might be a rather serious commitment/burden for someone I'm just getting to know. And not everything needs to be shared; I know old married couples who are quite happy and didn't have to share every detail to get there. And then there's the idea that mystery can be interesting.

What do you think? How much sharing is desirable for a new relationship? Does authenticity with less-than-complete transparency take away from its power?

Here are some things that make me happy:

• Snow skiing fast down the easy slopes
• Kitty kisses
• Picnics
• Living in the city
• Being stubborn (about silly things)
• The first full-body stretch in the morning under a warm blanket in a cold room
• Having the answer
• Playing footsies
• My happy place
• When friends come to me with problems
• Wandering
• Justice
• Pretending like I know where I'm going
• Making a new friend
• The two weeks before moving or changing jobs
• Discovering music
• "Me" time
• Accomplishment
• Burning things with others
• Eating
• Driving on the highway
• Saying something witty
• Sitting next to someone who makes my heart beat faster

This is a response to gRegor's blog post, Happiness.

This song and video is an essay that points out that man's possibility is limitless, and how recognition of this fact can lead to dramatically divergent paths given different approaches.

For the power monger, freedom means influence and growing power. Curing diseases and splitting atoms, using brainpower to 'make the world better' while seemingly neglecting real people (I can do anything with no assistance (or is it resistance?, either way...)), and being mostly oblivious of the horrors that were to come under his reign. "My cause is noble," he says.

Maybe so. Then again maybe it's inevitable that someone who solely focuses on helping the world in an introverted, self-righteous way naturally comes to the point where they are so out of touch with the reality of people that they can only do harm (even though it might feel right and just).

Which path have I chosen? The musician is portrayed as the one really caring and standing up for people and their freedoms, whereby the politician is working to do things 'on behalf of' others, without seeming to really have a pulse on what people want or need.

I guess most people with a civic conscience get most of their power from actually talking and working and helping real people. For me, I have accepted in the past decade or so that my sweet spot, the way in which I can make the most contribution, is by spending my time focused on ideas and technical pursuits. I still feel this is efficient use of my time, but I wonder if at some point I'll lose touch with how the work I do is really helping...or not helping at all.